When I was in college, I joined a sorority. We had rules and guidelines, much like any organized group. One of those guidelines was that we were all to believe in the concept of sisterly love. It sounded good, but in reality I became disillusioned after watching so many of my sisters talk behind others’ backs, lie, and pretend to like each other.
It took me a long time to realize that I did not need to settle for surrounding myself with whoever just happened to be in my life. That I could actually choose the people in my life and I wanted to choose wisely.
Every one of my friends, clients, and business associates are individuals that I like, trust, and respect. By choice.
Don’t get me wrong, I have had lots of people in my life who were lacking one, two, or even all three or those very foundational elements. Friends I thought were “cool” but would sell me down the river for a nickel. Or friends who were nice to my face, but bad-mouthed me behind my back. And friends whose lifestyle and values were not ones I could respect.
It’s only been in the last few years that I decided I wanted to expect more from the most important people in my life. And you should too.
One of the reasons our lives become so complicated is that we allow other people into our lives who don’t match our desires and our values. We talk about being positive and working with others but this seems easy when the other person is someone we admire.
What happens when they aren’t?
Take out a piece of paper right now and list all of your personal family and friends, and professional associates who have all three of these qualities – you like them, you trust them, and you respect them.
Then list those people who don’t.
You have a choice. Whenever possible, surround yourself (and your family too!) with only those people you like, trust, and respect. If one of those elements is missing, why on earth would you want them in your business or in your life?
Take charge!
Ann Vertel
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
Hi Ann, I have just discovered you on facebook and I love what you are sharing with everyone. You talk about getting rid of or not surrounding yourself with people who are time wasters or that we don’t respect, trust and like. I have a friend that I have known 27 years (since 8th grade) and I have cut her out of my life 3 yrs ago because I did not want to take criticism from her anymore. She is a very high maintenance friend and very demanding of my time. I have never “cut anyone out of my life” before like this and it was kind of hard to do in the first place. She has contacted me over and over and I finally responded and told her in a very short explanation that I was tired of her criticizing my husband, my parenting skills and undermining our friendship. She says she deserves a “get together to talk about it” and at the same time is angry at me. This drains my energy and I don’t really want to see her or resume the friendship. My life is extremely busy with two jobs, going to school, being a mother and wife, etc. I don’t have time for this and I want to tell her that but I am not sure how to tell her. Any suggestions?
Hi Samantha,
Some of the most effective wording to use when saying “no” to someone is “I’m afraid this just doesn’t work for me.” Altnernately, you can also say, “I’m just not comfortable with continuing this relationship.”
It’s hard to argue with something “not working” or with being “uncomfortable.” When the other person resists, presses for more information, or asks why, just repeat the statement – maybe reword it a bit – but continue to press that point.
By the way, real friends don’t criticize your husband, your parenting skills, or undermine your friendship. This woman is not your friend. Real friends build you up and want the absolute best for you. This is an abusive relationship, one I suspect you held onto because you kept hoping it would get better. But like all abusive relationships, you cannot compare the “good times” to their worst and think “it’s not that bad.” You must compare it to the ideal and ask, “why do I continue to think this is o.k.?”
It’s not o.k. You’ve outgrown her – time to move on.
Good luck!
- Ann
Hi Ann!
I respect you and like the great insight that you are gifted with. That critical person in my life is my husband. We have been married 25 years. I have heard so often to remove the negative people in your life. It is difficult to not fall into the victim roll. I do hope that he will find his own dreams to pursue. But so far he hasn’t. That is sad . I don’t know if I have outgrown him as you say. I am tired of all the negative energy. I want us to both be happy and successful.
Hi Sue,
I can hear the frustration and exhaustion in your “voice.” Living with someone who doesn’t build you up can be enormously draining – you must feel like you’re in this alone. Please know that you are not, there are many people just like you trying to breathe life into their dreams and doing it under the same roof as someone who seems determined to make them fail.
I believe the key is to stay true to what YOU want. And to convey exactly what that is to your husband in a way that doesn’t make him feel wrong or fear that he will lose you. Created a “shared” vision for the two of you would be your best strategy. Sit down with him and map out what the two of you want for your family and for each other. A supportive spouse will want their partner to do and be and grow to their potential and will delight in watching them soar. Explain to him how you’d like to see him happy and give him an idea of what that might look like.
Erase negative talk from your own language – no sarcasm, oneupsmanship, self-deprecation, gossip. Let your conversations be affirming, edifying, and future oriented.
Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t go after your dreams. You are a strong, powerful, mighty woman of grace and abundance – what a shame it would be if the world was denied knowing that in full. There are people out there who need you to step up to the life you were given – get out there, the world is waiting for you.
Choose excellence!
- Ann